Postnatal depression. 

The absolute killjoy of motherhood. The bastard that tricks you into thinking you're doing a crap job of parenting and increases your anxiety levels to a point of eruption. An all round nasty piece of work.

I've experienced depression and anxiety before, it was never alien to me. I knew the signs and symptoms and I've known what it feels like to hit rock bottom with no hope of ever coming out of it. However, experiencing it all over again, with a teeny tiny little human in your arms is different. Throughout my pregnancy I was so excited, loved my baby and generally couldn't wait to be a mum. My family always said I'd have a baby young and probably end up like cheaper by the dozen (can confirm this won't be happening) as I always adored kids. I remember my midwife appointments being really exciting and them touching on the fact that I might experience the 'baby blues' but never really thought anything of it. They never went into detail and they never actually informed me about postnatal depression - until the baby was born and I portrayed signs of it.

I had a normal pregnancy until the end, where I had severe SPD and ended up on crutches which to me, was embarrassing in itself. I never could get the hang of crutches, let alone with a bulging belly and a pelvis that felt like it was tearing apart. Ouch. My baby then decided that enough was enough and she needed to make an appearance to the world 5 weeks early. Impatient, just like her mum.
It obviously came as a shock and I didn't feel prepared, it was a wobble but something you have to get on with. So many people experience it and I knew I wasn't alone. The labour was ok, nothing really to report on that aspect but the aftermath of not being able to bond with my baby straight away really took its toll on me. I gave birth, had a quick 10 second cuddle, they whisked her away to NICU, I had some tea and toast and a shower and it felt as if nothing happened. Such an odd feeling.

That week in intensive care was tough. I experienced different emotions every 2 minutes and I was a nervous, crying wreck 80% of the day. I was frustrated I couldn't go home and be a family straight away and then the struggles with breastfeeding came. As she was early her ability to suck wasn't great and the support in NICU was minimal. They did try and encourage breastfeeding but they also blamed her weight loss on it which made me feel like a complete and utter failure. I quickly caved and decided to express but give her the milk in a bottle. Which was SO exhausting, I was expressing every few hours, then having to sterilise the bottles and do both types of feeding. I was burning myself out.

Then comes the visitors... ahhhh I loved this part. I really did. I loved showing off my baby and talking about my labour and everything but then the visitors go, your partner goes back to work and you're left alone to look about this little human. I remember staring at her in the Moses basket and feeling absolutely nothing towards her. I knew deep down I loved her but I didn't feel that instant connection that everyone spoke about. I didn't feel that bond. I felt guilty. Lonely. Ashamed. Embarrassed and a shit mother. Why was my partner so amazing at being a dad yet I can't feel an ounce of joy about anything? It was a deep, dark time. At this point I was studying counselling, loved it but I knew something wasn't right. It was 3 hours a week I got to myself to focus on my career and build a better life for my family but then I returned home and felt so awful again. I never really spoke about my feelings and to everyone who visited I was happy, excited and loving motherhood. I couldn't dare admit I felt this bad whilst studying counselling and wanting to help other people.

I remember going on a night out with a group of friends which made me feel good for that one evening but then I woke up the next morning and just broke down. I felt shit again. Why couldn't I just be happy for longer than a couple of hours? It was 4 months into motherhood and I knew it wasn't just the baby blues. I went 3 weeks solid without leaving the house, I was scared to take my baby out, I felt like I didn't know what I was doing unless my partner was with me. He was my support blanket and generally the most amazing person through it all.

I knew I needed some help. I spoke to my mum and partner, emailed my college tutor informing her I was going to leave the course as I couldn't possibly help others when I felt this bad myself. She took time to talk to me about how I was feeling, explained what anxiety was and also explained that we're only human. No matter what profession we have we're going to experience different issues in our lives. I felt a sense of normality, had the courage to visit my GP for help and that was the start of my recovery.

Being able to talk about my feelings to those who really understood and listened was the main thing that helped me through it all. Suffering in silence was slowly destroying me but hitting rock bottom truly helped me to get back up. Which is why I created The High Spirit Project to raise mental health awareness and normalise these feelings we have.

I can honestly say I have never felt so content, peaceful and settled as I do right now. It was a horrible experience but one that SO many mums and dads experience. It's shaped me as a person.

*Approximately 58% of new mothers who suffer from PND do not seek help. It's OK to seek support. It doesn't mean you're a bad mother and your child will not be taken away from you.*


I can't wait to complete my counselling qualification and be able to help others in need. Talking about mental health is the first step to recovering from it.

If you're suffering or know someone who is, please seek support. It will be the best thing you do.

Courtney :-)

Hello!